There are entire online communities directed at helping men meet women online. There are forums that offer advice on everything from how to design your profile to how to choose the right pictures. If that’s not enough, there are businesses out there that will not only build your profile for you but will even handle all of your communications leading up to a first date (yes, that is a real thing). However, it doesn’t seem like any of these services are targeting women, and they should be. Women are no better at this than we are. Allow me to explain.
Use Pictures As A Guide, But Don't Always Trust Them
If you learn nothing else from my experiences, remember that the picture section of a girl’s profile is far and away the most important part of it. It’s literally the only thing you have to go on until you’ve physically met and spent time with her, and even then it can only take you so far.
The reason for this is that people can easily lie right through their teeth, and that’s doubly true when they can hide behind a keyboard and a user name in their profile. Sure, she might say she loves dogs and hiking and museums, but if she has pictures showing you that, then it adds a lot of credibility to the persona she’s selling you.
Another thing to keep in mind about pictures is that nine times out of 10, a girl is only as attractive as her worst picture. It sounds cruel, but it’s true. The picture that some girls select as their main profile picture often varies wildly from the ones you don’t see without looking for them.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a girl’s profile picture and thought, “Oh, here we go,” only to look at the rest of them and immediately wish I hadn’t. Everyone wants to put their best foot forward, but some girls find shots of themselves that look so much better than any of their other pictures that you’d swear they were Photoshopped. Some girls don’t have pictures at all. I’m almost positive these are all serial killers. Avoid them.
Finally, understand that if you go out on enough first dates, you’re eventually going to be dealt a losing hand in the form of a girl that looks nothing like any of her pictures (and never, ever in a good way). Honestly, I don’t see the point in misrepresenting yourself. Physical appearance is the one thing that you can’t hide from someone you’re meeting in person.
You may be able to hide your smoking habit, and she can certainly keep her religious beliefs to herself, but if I see pictures of a girl that show her being one size and she shows up looking completely different, it’s not like I’m not going to notice. There was one date when I walked right past a girl in the bar where we were meeting, not out of malice but because I honestly didn’t recognize her. That’s not a good way to start a date.
Nice Girls Will Wait For You To Email First
First of all, nice girls don’t make the first move. I don’t know why, but it’s true. When/if you get an unsolicited email from a girl, they almost always reek of desperation, and in my experience, they aren’t much in the looks department. That’s not to say you should ignore them because you never know what might happen, but the desirable ones tend to know they’re desirable, so they have no incentive to reach out to you, because they’re getting 50+ emails per day and can take their pick. No, if you want to get the good ones you have to put yourself out there. I’m fine with that. It more or less mirrors real life. In doing so, you’ll probably want to read her profile first. When you do that, this is what you’re likely to find:
“I love to laugh and have fun with my friends. I’m driven and ambitious, but I also have a silly side. I’m just as comfortable with a night on the town as I am staying in and cuddling on the couch. I love trying new foods and curling up with a good book, but above all else, I love to travel and experience new cultures.”
Or something like that. I’d wager that she enjoys breathing and sleeping as well. I don’t know why girls tend to write the same kinds of things about themselves, and it makes it really hard to distinguish the interesting ones from the not-so-interesting. In fairness, most of the guy profiles I’ve seen aren’t much better and tend to run along the same lines (note: checking out profiles is a great way to get invited into a girl’s place, as everyone wants to know what the other side of the coin looks like).
If I had to guess, I’d say that people try to encompass and summarize themselves as a whole, and in the process, it turns into generic drivel. In light of this, my best advice is to make your correspondence very short, as light as possible, and ending with an open-ended question.
That’s important because it’s the only thing that’s going to drive the conversation moving forward. In real life, social cues and surroundings can do a lot to inspire conversation topics, but via email, it’s up to the individuals to move things forward. I’ve gotten stuck before conversing with girls who don’t understand this (or just didn’t find me interesting/funny), and it makes things really difficult. At all costs, avoid reading her profile and then launching into a long diatribe about either how pretty she is, how much you have in common, or both. You’re still a stranger to them, and as such, laying it on that thick is really off-putting.
Going on a real-life date
Congratulations. You’ve found someone who seems normal enough, appeals to your eye, can hold up their end of an email conversation, and has agreed that it would be a good idea to meet a veritable stranger in public. That’s half the battle. Once you’ve decided to meet, however, it’s on to act two. The best way I can describe a first-time meeting is like the first time you have lunch or something with a business contact you’ve only dealt with over the phone or email. You know a little bit about them, but that information has been sanitized and you’re not going to have a lot to talk about in person. As you walk to the venue, you’re overcome with the acute and overwhelming sense of dread that comes with the realization that you’re about to meet a complete stranger with explicitly romantic intentions. It’s daunting, to be sure.
Once you meet, you realize that all of the prior emails and innuendos and witty banter go out the window. You know very little about this person and your only topics of conversation appear to be the standard “Where are you from?" "What do you do?” type questions, which are inherently un-sexy. It’s better if you’re good at talking about things going on around you (even if it’s just a sporting event on TV) and relaying a story about yourself that ties into it. This will hopefully encourage her to do the same. Also, booze helps. But not too much. On my very first online date, I was meeting a girl at a bar to watch a basketball game. The first words out of her mouth were: “Ugh, I can’t believe I’m binge drinking for a ninth night in a row.” It should be noted that it was a Tuesday night.
In regard to the venue, I always, always opt for happy hour, and preferably at a bar convenient to both of us. This may sound cheap or classless, but remember this is a stranger you’re meeting. There may be readers who want to whine in the comments about the death of courtship and guys like me being what’s wrong with the world, but I’m sorry -- I’m not shelling out a ton of cash on someone I’ve never met before.
This is not the time for a fancy dinner, ever
Logistics aside, most women will tell you that going balls-out on a fancy dinner actually makes for a terrible first date anyway, because it’s just too much. She’s probably just as nervous as you are, unless she’s like one of my dates that was so nervous that she got hammered before I got arrived, thereby alleviating some of the nerves. (We dated for a bit after that, despite my better judgment. She was fun.)
But under normal circumstances, happy hour is perfect because it’s casual, usually in broad daylight, and offers a time constraint. Sitting down over a few beers after work is a great way to meet someone, see what they’re about and set a time for the next date if things go well. It also tells you a bit about their intentions. If a girl agrees to happy hour and proceeds to order $15 martinis that aren’t part of the special, it may be a hint as to what she’s looking for.
It all comes down to the right attitude
That brings me to my last point: intentions. Be open to the new experiences, because you’re going to have them. You’ll meet girls who are only interested in a quick fling or casual sex, girls who want a boyfriend, and even girls who already have a boyfriend.
Without fail, every girl you meet will have some kind of prepared speech about how they only signed up for online dating (because their friends made them, they were drunk, it was a dare, etc.) as a means of conveying to you that they aren’t taking it too seriously, even if they really are. And, really, that’s the key to success with online taking: not taking it too seriously. You may get a lover or even a wife out of it, but no matter what, you’re going to have some stories to tell. For me, that alone made it worth it.
Oh, and the hooking up. All of the hooking up.
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